too late

its nearly 4am
and a long day tomorrow awaits me
but im here
at my computer
not ready yet for sleep
the air coming through my window
reminds me of too many summer nights
back home on a roof
sitting and smoking and talking in low voices
parents too near who might be woken
all i want right now
is someone to talk to
to share this feeling with

on the ride home
there was that brief smell of burning wood
its cold enough
with the breeze
to sit around a campfire
bring out the wool sweater
that feels so thick and warm and luxurious
because it is barely needed

i want to sit outside tonight
stay up til the sun rises
in my old white overalls and my thick blue wool sweater
feel like im 16 again
i look in the mirror
and see my body slowly shrinking back
to where it was then
but then leaning closer
the lines across my forhead
from confusion and query
no longer fade
the corners of my eyes have begun
to weave lines outwards
my nose crinkled with laughter doesnt smooth over

i am watching myself by degrees grow old
and i try to remember my mother when i was young
to see in myself her
perhaps to reassure myself
that the vigor i feel will not too soon fade
time has not passed me by it is certain
and though i may not grow old gracefully
i will grow old graciously.

tonight i didnt have to be alone
i could have been among friends
but that isnt what im wanting
just one person to share this with
a friend to lean shoulders against
to huddle near to
and watch the clouds break from the moon
one day past full

i wish i were home
that i could see my friend
back for three weeks from england
but who still may as well be a million miles away
i wish i could make it to vermont this year
to sit out at nights
fireflies lighting the yard
competing with the stars
swimming late in the pond
mist rising from the water
lit by a flashlight left on the beach
there is so much i have left behind.

ahhhh....

starting the morning off right.


and then you can always
try replicating my sweet spill last night like this

insufficient

three hours
down
now awake again

i dont sleep well
i never have
but this
is intolerable

i ache in each direction i turn
rolled over and over in bed
so many times
the blankets twisted and spilled
over the edge of the bed
leaving me cold
i steal the blankets from myself it seems

why am i back awake
barely clinging to these open eyes
when i can so thoroughly feel
the exhaustion
still heavy in my limbs

last night
on the way home
it began to rain
the kind that makes me laugh as i ride my bike
a careless feeling
with the smell of water on hot asphalt
of dirt from the side of the road

three blocks from home
i cut through the intersection
a tight turn on a green light
with plenty of time to have slowed down
i didnt
my bike skidded
flew out from under me
i could feel the tires grab then give
and i slid too
on my side, on my arm, on my hip, on my ankle
my body stretched out across wet asphalt
the impact spread across my body
hydroplaning on the thin sheen of water
absorbing with my dress and tights
the water on pavement
i came to a stop

i pulled up my bike
grinning shook myself off
and hopped to the side of the road
it was the same laugh
same smile
that the rain had brought on
only stronger

manic
i re.railed my chain
noticed my handle bars bent askew
and rode on
home
damp and sodden on one side
thrilling
vibrating
with the impact still

a close call
a near thing
my crashes have each been
less than injurous

do i fall better
do i crash with care
has all the time ive spent
purposely afflicting damage on myself
taught me better to recieve the impact

in high school i would run full tilt
across a field
then throw myself at the ground
a stage roll of sorts
with a leap to it
let myself crash through the roll
get up running again

i was tripped and clotheslined
sidearmed and shoved
in games id fall
but roll though to keep running
i could no more fall flat
than i could take flight
my body new better to tumble

perhaps that is coming back to me

meantime the weather is in fluz
i can see the systems sorting themselves
over the lake to the east
behind skyscrapers
off west past the parking lot and the el traks
darker clouds surge

my hands ache
the joints sensitive after years of abuse
my knees and ankles complain
sinuses thick and head heavy
indecisiveness
lays me low
reminds me of my evolutionary faults
reminds me of my misdeeds to my body in life

though its a hard thing
as i watch the sun
fall around the side of the building
rising soutwards
shooting into my window now
to decide to leave this morning
i know i need more sleep
i know i need to go back to bed
il take a book with me
to set on the floor
as a constant companion
a reminder that if its too bad
there is something to retreat to
another reality to fall into
to seek solace in

i can dissapear into books
leave body behind
retreat to the words i hear in my head
forget food water voices phones
waking dreams spread across pages
we shall see which dreams i find

i want a treadmill... or three

i pass this along
but it came from here:
http://vigilantemetermaids.blogspot.com/

slow and steady

thank god the weekend is over
i mean it was amazing
crowd surfing during the flaming lips
i wound up all the way up front
with an inflatable killer whale in my arms
andrew bird was . . .
im at a loss for words
transcendant?
god.
and i finally got to see ween
they played a ton of their old stuff
but were in the end a dissapointment
compared the the showmanship of other bands
they were suprisingly bland
the words to the songs left to be crazy on their own

caught the Dirty Things at the Empty Bottle after party
not sure how i managed to stay upright that late
except perhaps though the ingestion of coffee
lots of coffee
thank you thank you oh marshall mcGurty's
for your giant cups
and free eternal refills
i dont smoke
so instead you provide me with caffine
board games
and now, as of last night
new friends and makovers
- my eyes were soooo pretty! ah jen. yous a genius -
and what posessed me to go by space after that?
im really not sure
sat up hangin out
finally got to bed
at home
at 4am
realizing that i had to move my car in the morning
thats 8:45am yes yes

and ive been up since then
i believe
that its time to crash
i accomplished my visit to the old alma mater
UofC
how pretty it is in the summer
all ivy crusted and empty
Rajun Cajun nearly killed me with their samosas of the gods
and the box of philosophy and psychology books from powells
kinda insane
il get that out of the car tomorrow

til then
sleep
lots of sleep

if you really know me
you can go take a look at more pics from the Post.Pitchfork.Pool.Parties
and general party city of the last weekend
otherwise
here are a few to tease you with
just imagine what you missed out on...