insufficient

three hours
down
now awake again

i dont sleep well
i never have
but this
is intolerable

i ache in each direction i turn
rolled over and over in bed
so many times
the blankets twisted and spilled
over the edge of the bed
leaving me cold
i steal the blankets from myself it seems

why am i back awake
barely clinging to these open eyes
when i can so thoroughly feel
the exhaustion
still heavy in my limbs

last night
on the way home
it began to rain
the kind that makes me laugh as i ride my bike
a careless feeling
with the smell of water on hot asphalt
of dirt from the side of the road

three blocks from home
i cut through the intersection
a tight turn on a green light
with plenty of time to have slowed down
i didnt
my bike skidded
flew out from under me
i could feel the tires grab then give
and i slid too
on my side, on my arm, on my hip, on my ankle
my body stretched out across wet asphalt
the impact spread across my body
hydroplaning on the thin sheen of water
absorbing with my dress and tights
the water on pavement
i came to a stop

i pulled up my bike
grinning shook myself off
and hopped to the side of the road
it was the same laugh
same smile
that the rain had brought on
only stronger

manic
i re.railed my chain
noticed my handle bars bent askew
and rode on
home
damp and sodden on one side
thrilling
vibrating
with the impact still

a close call
a near thing
my crashes have each been
less than injurous

do i fall better
do i crash with care
has all the time ive spent
purposely afflicting damage on myself
taught me better to recieve the impact

in high school i would run full tilt
across a field
then throw myself at the ground
a stage roll of sorts
with a leap to it
let myself crash through the roll
get up running again

i was tripped and clotheslined
sidearmed and shoved
in games id fall
but roll though to keep running
i could no more fall flat
than i could take flight
my body new better to tumble

perhaps that is coming back to me

meantime the weather is in fluz
i can see the systems sorting themselves
over the lake to the east
behind skyscrapers
off west past the parking lot and the el traks
darker clouds surge

my hands ache
the joints sensitive after years of abuse
my knees and ankles complain
sinuses thick and head heavy
indecisiveness
lays me low
reminds me of my evolutionary faults
reminds me of my misdeeds to my body in life

though its a hard thing
as i watch the sun
fall around the side of the building
rising soutwards
shooting into my window now
to decide to leave this morning
i know i need more sleep
i know i need to go back to bed
il take a book with me
to set on the floor
as a constant companion
a reminder that if its too bad
there is something to retreat to
another reality to fall into
to seek solace in

i can dissapear into books
leave body behind
retreat to the words i hear in my head
forget food water voices phones
waking dreams spread across pages
we shall see which dreams i find