mania

the ashtray is full
for a second time this evening
something to be said
for the state of my mind
if not the state of my heart

i have been on overdrive these past weeks
overflowing
with activity
such that my fingers
typing
dialing
such that my tongue
coercing
assuring
can barely keep up

it washes into the hours
when i should sleep
but
i know
i will not let it stop

if it were summer
the sun would be coming up soon
birds calling out to the false dawn
instead
there is only the clack of the heater
ceramic elements expanding
metal adjusting
to the heat i surround myself with
tonight

the later it gets
the more times i fill my mug
the more i realize that i am not sleeping
i am waiting

have i misplayed my hand?
was it no more than a moment of whiskey sodden stupor?
a moment when clarity hit

i am casting about for doubt
when really i have none

i know what i want
i am sure of what im doing

and yet
i am set loose
untethered

months stretch before me
open and unplanned
with no chance of interruption

there is much to be done