two by two

ive been spending too much time
comparing myself
to others
trying to figure out
why
they're all paired off
there were only 20 of us in my class
im left wondering now who isnt married

i dont want to go home
back to ipswich
i dont want anyone to know
that im still alone
im not sure how to make this seem right
to seem like what i want
when it so completely isnt

im tired of being single
im tired as all hell of dating
im tired of these one month relationships
just long enough to get in deep
deep enough
that when it ends
it hurts like hell
takes too long to get over
but leaves me again
alone
solo

i have a roomate for now
again
a friend
who's there late at night
to spill my heart to
better perhaps
than a boyfriend right now
though my bed is cold when i climb in at night
i have the blankets piled high
i wear a wool hat
curl up in a nest of pillows
so thats enough for now

but i remember
that feeling
of knowing what someone will be doing
when i get home
of being able to walk into someones arms
when i get home
of knowing how someone falls asleep
next to me

of those feelings of fear subsiding
that things will go badly
of instead knowing
that though the fights might break out
there are ways to talk back out of them
ive had that
ive had things that lasted
though
they shouldnt have
i learned things
that i now know to miss.

worse still
to see what i want
all around me
to see what i want
torn down by petty problems
to see what i want
and to know i gave it up
and to not know if i can ask for it back

i feel fine most days
until this loss seeps up
from somewhere between my ribs
tightening and churning me up inside
my throat closes
catching what could turn to a sob
if i were alone
because im alone.