taking the layers off

if nothing else
i feel strangely
stable
as though
no matter what happens now
how hard im pushed
il be ok

why

ive wound up with a guy
whos planning to leave this place
sooner the better
sooner rather than later
but it doesnt bother me
and not even in that
'i dont want it to last anyway'
or the
'we arent meant to be'
kind of way

im just not bothered

for the first time in years
im going to have a roomate
she has a cat
shes vegan
i have no idea what to expect
except
i think im excited
the bills will be less
and
il have someone im coming home to

im not worried about christmas
im not worried about my friends
the messes they're getting themselves into
arent ones i can help them with
i dont have the money to bail anyone out
they certainly wont listen to me
when i tell them to cut and run
from a bad relationship

so
i guess
for all that i also feel completely cut off
this is good
cut off from having any influence over them
cut off from being able to save anyone

and what of this guy.
what is it that he's missing that makes it
not something
for me to hope
will last
im set on the idea
of having someone who will provide for me
what if that doesnt matter
what if i can take care of myself
what if being able to come home
to someone
who knows how to take care of themself
and can remind me to do the same
is enough

being able to say
that its better
for us to sleep apart
because we're tired
being able to say
get your chores and errands done
on your day off
because il see you another day
maybe this is something good
ive just never had it before
to be not wrapped up in someone
but unwrapped.