enfolded in the snow now.

yet another night
the winter cinches in
encloses me again
with snow and the aches of cold
you have cut yourself off from me
for all that you answer the phone
perhaps this is a step toward something?
i am left hanging

i am not one to wait around
for someone else to make their move
but yet i find myself
holding back
where i might otherwise
abandon you
to your indecision

is this something i care that much about?
how much time do you need?
am i to wait
forever
til your whole life is sorted out?
life is not something that is meant to be static
it will always be in flux
this at least
is something i have learned

too that those you are meant to be with
are those who you lean on
while the rest of your world falls apart
god knows i am not
stabile
i am in flux
forever
i have embraced this aspect of myself

but you seem determined to tie up
all the loose ends
before you are willing to turn to me

perhaps i should be grateful of this
that you at least are endeavoring to find me
without baggage
or ghosts
or skeletons
to surprise me
but id rather see them in all their horror
be there to confront them

or maybe i wouldnt
this is my romantic side speaking
there is much i want to know of you
much that is blank in the long history
of years past
before your wanderings led you here

is it that idea of being tied down?
is that what scares you most?
i will miss my old work
the travel
the unexcused disappearances
no need to explain
weeks on end
on the other side of the world
i cherished that break in contact

how will i ever be so simple again?
how will i find that ability to cut off
without such simple excuses?

i wonder so many nights
who would miss me should i dissapear
if they came to my house
found it empty
the walls stripped
but stained still with soot from one too many
covert cigarettes

who would seek me out?
who would find me?
who would mourn in silence
who would blame themselves

so often i feel i have taken the easy way out
falling
tripping
stumbling
from one job to the next
from school to school
as though the work did not matter
merely my presence was needed
that i am for some reason required here
but is it what is best for me?

as i listen to this song
i remember the summer in france
sitting in the window
reading Virginia Wolfe
so deeply introspective
feeling like some specter
in my white shift
purchased at a parisian market

the hopeless romatic
who still lives deep inside me
who insists that it is better to feel too much
to be debilitated by those aches of love and lonliness
than to feel too little
and empty of those pains and longings

have i not struggled enough
to learn it is better to be healed and whole?
have i not learned
from those late nights tearing my hair
unable to slow my heart and mind and find peace
when one who was my other half tore themself away?

what makes me think this would be any different?
what makes me think i have the right
to disrupt the family i have found
the circle of friends
who lean on eachother
take out that center pole
and what will remain?
and is it really my obligation
to decide for the rest?

i hope to god you arent leaving
i hope to god
that your reticence is merely fear
i hope that
it is because this is so serious
that you dread that first step

because otherwise
i am sitting here
filled with these absurd hopes
filled with this laughable longing
all alone
with no reciprocal pain
to match my own

what would i prefer?
i hoped
against hope
that you would call back
to say
please please
do come over
to say
please please
ignore my solitude

but i cannot
for the life of me
broach these walls you have erected
over the years
that you called
that you picked up the phone
these are sad but real
benchmarks
that i am using
to see how you care

we have never spent much time alone
how many times
have i tried
to convince you to stay
late into the night
when i watched you sink deep
into your chair

each time you refused
were you slinking away
too scared of what might happen
otherwise?
what was different that one night?

im trying like hell to reenact it all
the proper doses
of desire
of invitation
of inhibition lifted and tossed away

so far
my recipe has been found
lacking.