ive run myself ragged
right into a corner
going til i cant see straight
til all the worlds a dream around me
judgement gone
cares laid waste
and still i keep going
theres really no alternative
after a point
the exhaustion so far gone
that if i pause
should i stop
it will be crippling
so ive kept up
met the gaze of my friends
with wandering eyes
sat though classes shivering
my body trying one last time
to tell me how far gone i am
'ive got the will to drive myself sleepless'
and then beyond
ive nearly come to again
up now
on too much sugar
and too much wine
caught on the phone
just as my eyes began to burn
just as i could have fallen though
into the next dream
instead
im sorry
every the only child of my mother
her sole investment
her will to live
her touchstone her contact to the real
so i talked and woke up
passion for the time ahead of me
waking me from the drowse that had descended
there really is no way i can keep this up
even should i use each hour
each moment of every day
for naught but my studies
the time is insufficient
something will have to go
three classes
two internships
work with my mentor
and a silkscreening business to start
and here i keep thinking i might have the time
to fall in love
il have to cut back
so i look
and realize
that first on the list is my life
i have no time for anyone
never mind myself
no luxury for guilt nor desire
barely time even to do the laundry
and yet the challenge is so tempting
to see how far
and how long
i can go
i am invincible
at least in my own mind
but ten weeks
is a long time
and i dont have my cape yet
its a stange thing
each time i come home
alone after a weekend
after a week
of being around someone
everyone
tonight i nearly left again
awake enough to let the thought pass through
to go out
to a show
for a drink
for two
this will be the worst of the challenge
to keep myself to only what i can manage
decisions made yesterday
for my own good
in the night of the next day
seem weak and foolish
self serving and sad
but if im to make it through
my eyes are heavy again
be it from lack of sleep
or surplus of wine
- the bottle nearly exploded in the freezer -
i can no longer tell
so used to denial
of such feelings have i grown
i wonder how much longer
the rest of that bottle will be sitting there
waiting for that night off
that will never come
waiting
in the end
im excited
and i worry that all that
will keep me awake tonight
just thinking of the classes ahead
the reading il have to do
the late nights and early mornings
ive thrived on this before
and now without the threat of sickeness
looming as it did these past five years
i feel free
to try and test myself
to stretch my mind around
through lack of sleep and dreamfilled reading
lets see how long this will last...
