il build my army without you

we called it a postmortem
more a resurrection id hoped
im left wondering
what bridges have been burnt
what deeper games are being played
ive walked into a whole world
of folks squabbling
over a few dollar bills

i wanted like hell
to speak my mind
i wanted like hell
to just call em like i saw em
the whole way through

im left
feeling dirty and used
four men in that room
watching
as i got torn apart
im not sure they realized though
what they were up against
that this really isnt over
that if they just stopped for a moment
realized
that we're all in the same game here
rather than lording it over eachother
trying so hard to impress

i pulled in folks
who would never have walked in that door
they chastised me for it
i made money yes
asking for none of it in recompense
their petty bickering over percentages
has made me sick

if any one of them had stopped
listened to those numbers
realized what had been accomplished
looked further than their own pockets

i swear
i will never turn my hand to them again
i feel no remorse
in the fact that other coffers
are growing fat without them

should i feel guilty
that i know how to work a room
turn minds to a cause they had never considered
should i feel guilty
that i beat folks in their own game
or should i feel a sense of pride in all this
they certainly should stop and consider
what this asset is
that they have given up
so offended

im talking in circles here
trying to talk myself out
of the rage i feel

i am sick to death of the men and the boys
the boys wont step up
the men want to step on you
smug entitlement
or cowed confusion

il be gone for a week soon
off to the mountains
like i keep being told i should do
away from this city
all its petty politics
all its sad maneuverings
to get in on a new slice of power

i got out of music because of this
i got out of anthropology because of this
the last place i thought id find such animosity
was on two wheels
i ought to have known better
there is no difference
between the building of these armies
its always for some war to be fought.