lacking in contrast.

im getting better at realizing what it is
that is causing me pain
no.
its not the rejection
god knows
there has been plenty of that in my life
no.
its not the cold bed i come home to
i live alone
im used to it and even enjoy it at times
no.
its the fact that i feel
like ive been lied to
like ive been taken advantage of
like ive been used
like ive lost something. . . that maybe never was there

thats what gets me in the end
ive been trying to decide
why it is
that i cant kick this feeling
of loss
it isnt the loss of a lover
that never really happened
that never really came to fruition
yes.
it was hinted at
yes.
it was there as a tease
yes.
it was a possibility

its the loss of a friendship
its the realization of how much was being kept
hidden
set aside
held back

id rather have nothing
than this realization
of all that emptiness
its like ive finally seen behind that curtain
and there's no one there
nothing
all this anticipation
all this faith
all this respect
for nothing

thats whats taking me so long to get over

one after another
these intense relationships that arent
where just as i open up
they close down against me
where just as i let myself be
they walk away
instead of letting it all fall apart
it never is allowed to build up
there is no cataclysmic event
no crashing down
no catharthis
just this slow weeping
like a burn that takes forever to heal
just this slow aching
like a broken rib that cant be reset
just this searing pain
like a torn muscle you cant help but use
oh wait. thats my heart
cheesy isnt that?
but its not like its been ripped asunder
then it could be stitched back up
instead
small incisions
tiny cuts
excised tissue
to minute to notice at first . . .

im sick of this
im sick of folks backing off in fear of pain
life is pain until you find that one to lean on
through all the other pain

so to hell with it all
i keep telling myself
so just give up
[ive been imagining car crashes again]
not that id ever take my life
hell no
but to really feel something
and then RECOVER from it
that realization that you're alive
goddammit alive!
that intensity
that contrast
that's whats been lacking

so away i will go
for a while
here and there
and all else
will just fall away
what's left
thats what will stay.