fading

should i feel
taken advantage of
that only in such moments
where there is nothing to be lost
where there is no further to fall
do you ever turn to me

should i feel
remorse
that i look back and wish
that i could relive each detail
completely recall
each breath

should i feel
anything anymore

this was not the first time
that i have seen tears in your eyes
was what you were saying then
everything that you meant to say
was what you were saying
intended to protect you
or meant to push me away
to protect me

i dont feel like i can trust
my emotions
my friends
i have no idea how to read
a casual glance
i have no idea how to read
the briefest touch
im scared no to hurt those close to me
im scared that they will hurt me

lonliness has become dangerous
rather than just a fact
dangerous to me
dangerous to my friends

were you just so drunk that it didnt matter
was i just so lost you didnt think it could hurt more
or was it that one opportunity
that one moment
when both our guards were let down
and some semblance of truth crept in

im not sure
that il ever know
with every week that passes
with every day i hold my ground
it seems
this all grows less real

my dreams are the only thing
that bring it back
i can only think
perhaps
when you close your eyes at last
mind clean and clear of the whisps and fades
that it comes back to you as well
and one morning
you will wonder
as i do
what is real
and will do something
to let me know
im too deep now
in lost fantasies
to find my way out
otherwise.