torture

i torture myself
on a daily basis
reading the posts of people
who i cannot talk to
cut from their daily lives
i glean what i can
and try to remember enough
to fill in the gaps
there are so many lines to read between
on line.

if it were stangers
or those truely estranged from me
this would be disturbing
instead
it is friends
left behind in states too far to travel to
so i sit and think about what would be different
if id stayed near by.

. . .

in the mean time
i am back to bartending
a step up or down im not sure
glorified sandwich shop though it is
more customers come in
and the money is more steady
than anywhere else so far
depressing
when the one or two steady heavy drunks come in
mainly its for the sandwiches that folks come by
so i guess things are ok
so i guess life is fine
so i guess i can deal with this for now

nine more days.

simple

sometimes its the simplest things that make a day
yes the sun is shining
yes im alive
but even more so
i have a back porch again

i opened the door
expecing another glimpse down three flights
another debate
of could i balance
on the few boards they had tacked on already
enough to stand outside for a moment

instead
i have a porch again
and stairs
straight and flat and new
without nails to catch
or failing treads to creak
threatening colapse

can you tell im a bit excited about this?
i think i might sit out there tonight.
with a glass of wine
a book
and enjoy my sunset again