damned fates

just when i think ive taken care of things
that the decisions i need to sift though
have all been lined up
uncorked and ready
im not sure if its an earthquake
knocking those lovely bottles to the floor
spilling their contents sopping and useless
perhaps just some trick in fermentation
where what i thought was inside there
is nothing of the kind

i have some decisions to make again
i thought i had more time
i thought i had some space here
the next thing i know
here it is
that one thing id been waiting for
that way to make a difference
to be able to go to bed and rest easy at night
to not be alone in my efforts and endeavors
here we go

but i dont want it yet
sure. . . theres time
sure . . .theres a deadline
but i know how these things go
i need to get in there
right on the top of the pile.

i feel good today
ive felt good all day
muscles working and straining again
biking
my skin left slightly burnt from the sun

but now here this is sitting on my mind
i dont need to ask anyone
is this right for me?
i know it is
asking would be a pretense
fishing for compliments
this is exactly what i was hoping for

id joked with my parents
told them that id be fine
told them that something would come my way
it always have
from one job to the next
with an ease that most would be shocked at
yes, there has been effort
the sending of resumes
the filling out of applications
but each of those jobs i didnt get
they were ones where i didnt belong
i have yet to regret
feel i stayed too long
anywhere

no doors have been closed to me
absurd, yes.
to see this trajectory
but its right
i feel charmed in this life
but why not
i will only be happy
when im able to do some good

i look back sometimes
to what i was like as a child
precocious
cruel
exacting
perhaps i am still doing penance for my childhood
i dont think thats so bad.