through this year. . .

last year this time
it was colder outside
it took me hours to wash all the dishes
hours to get everyone out of my house
that was the last night i slept beside you
i swore up and down
that it would be then or never
never won

all night
the alarm kept going off
telling us over and over
that we might die in our sleep
we called the firedepartment
i crouched on the couch
by the window
shivering
feeling sullied by the knowing glances
of those men with their detectors and flashlights
you had to work the next morning
but you brought me a cup of coffee in bed
always so considerate
except

this year
i will sleep alone
i am content with this
i listen to my heater click and pop
feel the heat on the soles of my feet
i have made a list of things to do tomorrow
my fridge is filled with leftovers
there is turkey soup beginning to cook on the stove
i will have bones to clean tomorrow

this year
i am feeling more centered
after a winter filled with death and injury
after a spring of accusations and insanity
after a summer of being abandoned and heart hardened
im finally feeling like myself

ive been drinking too much
but ive quit smoking
ive been eating badly
but im going to the gym again

last night
i played soccer at midnight on a frozen baseball diamond
and i felt alive
this morning my leg ached
where i had slipped and crashed down
but i felt alive

i am going to make it through this year
if it kills me
just a few more months
and i will be thirty
that magical number
beyond which is my adulthood
gone will be those sad twentysomethings
years of uncertainty
years of forgiven idiocy and mistakes
from thirty on out i am accountable

i am losing my sense of urgency
there are still always things to be done
but now instead of feeling i must do them all today
i am content
to sit back
watch the afternoon pass me by
knowing that tomorrow i can do what i could have done today
i have not yet reached a point of stasis
instead
it is a feeling of time stretching before me
a broadening of perspective
that includes the future
beyond right now