things are different

ive been reduced
crushed down
but not by some outside force
no
this is a self inflicted deminuation
a long slow sweeping descent it was
finally this landing
caught me a bit by surprise
though im still not sure
it could be just a plateau
i might still be slipping
so il give myself another nudge or two
see how i fare.

[is it bad that im sipping from the bottle while sitting at my dining room table?]

slowly im confronting all these demons
skeletons in my closet
ghosts in my bed
i started a ways and a while back
but see
i keep creating new ones
new corpses to stash away
new phantoms to evoke in the late of the night
eventually though
i swear
there will be no one here but me
just me
alone finally
sitting here just waiting

were you having trouble looking me in the eye?
was it something you saw in there?
my lips are chapped i know
i have not been keeping up as i should
it just hasnt seemed to matter so much
now i wonder
if i floored you
if i walked in some door wearing just
that
would it make any difference
would i want it to make any difference

really it was this alone
that i wasnt being anything but myself
from the moment i met you
late night and full from parties past
early morning underslept with tales untold
midday and hungry feeling too young and unsure to keep pace beside you
evening falling with the sun behind rain clouds you swept me away

i remember the feel of our knees touching
under the table
neither of us shying away
no
it wasnt all your fault
i wanted
i waited

i remember watching you put out your cigarette
a last sip of whiskey to wet your lips
my hands were full

finally i can breathe
while i dredge this back up
running it before my eyes
i can breathe
though my eyes might tear up
i can breathe

the panic is gone
im not sure what is left