the girl behind the...

i watched shopgirl this evening
thinking perhaps it would be funny
perhaps it would let me sleep easier
i am left
my mind aspin
looking back over old loves
old romances
those i held away from myself
those who held me away
ive been trying to see
which has been more often
me stepping back or being stepped from

it is a lonely thing
to look back at what was or might have been love
to wonder if it could have worked
if only... as they always say
if only id been there.
if only i hadnt been watching and instead living.

. . .

i look around me
at all the projects set aside
the creations half done and set aside
for when there would be more time
for when i would have more space
i think the time may have come again
when i will need to be scarce
to go back to selfish creation
there is too much again in my head
and no nights provided
to let it all out

i miss those few weeks
less than ten all told
when my thursdays were set before me
to go to class
and then to sit the night through
listening to jazz back at Cleary's
skectching what was in my mind
just setting it out
a page each night as a minimum
with friends watching over my shoulders
offering captions to my odd creations
requesting creatures of my pencil

i am the girl behind the bar again
but i need to get out from there
perhaps il be the girl behind the desk for a while
but even that
i think perhaps i would be wasted
i have good ideas at times im sure
but more and more
as i think it through
my talent
is talking
being convincing
pitching like i love what i throw down on the table
making people love it with me
maybe theres some way i can have both
maybe il have to go it alone to do so
but at least this is progress
toward what i am
yes
what i am
not
what i will be
im not trying to change myself
only trying to unearth what is worthwhile in me
and set it into the light

and perhaps do something worthwhile with it
An Inconvenient Truth
has rattled me
has sent me looking again
at how exactly i will benefit the world
through advertising
and how i can turn these excuses
into truth and valid reason
put my energy to something
good.