due for a

i am healing
but even as my body puts itself back together
i feel the edge of illness
perhaps it is that i feel well enough to think myself recovered
but am not
so instead of remembering
i need to sleep more
i cannot skip meals
i should not walk long or far
my body tells me it can
and then aches for it

the stitches at the back of my throat
are slowly dissolving
each swallow stretches them against the skin
pulling taught the knots
leaving me eternally feeling someting
lodged in my throat
a headache
a chill
each one sends me into panic
that perhaps this was only one more attempt
to find out why
i keep getting sick
and then i remember
it hasnt been even two weeks

it will take time
no miraculous moment
where i become at last invincible
i push myself too far
and expect more and more
unwilling to seem broken or tired or ill
i smile
ive had people ask me
what im on
to keep going
nothing.
though there have been times
when only the sudafed popped every 4 hours
when only the shots of dayQuil kept hidden in a locker
has kept me going at my breakneck pace
if i stop
i will miss something
i will be missed by someone
or worse
if i dissapear
will i be forgotten?

i need to move more slowly
to be deliberate
for a little longer

. . .