virtuous in the cold rain

all day
ive sat virtuous
feet cold against this wooden floor
the table is wobbly and too high
the chair too short numbing my thighs

no desire to step outside
assuming
it must be colder out there
than in here
but perhaps not
i can see the last few leaves twitching
at the ends of branches
rigid in their loss of life

its barely rained
but everything is wet
the sun too weak and hidden
inside
towels stay damp
from one shower to the next
chilling the skin
the bathmat soaking up into socks
the tiles of the kitchen floor
take hours to dry after mopping

i am telling myself
that i have marshalled my arguments
this paper is as good as written
the rebuttals runthrough my mind
one after the next
organized and expected

i am telling myself
that i am over here
to get work done
that i would be more distracted
and colder
at home
i believe this is probably a lie

so am i happier?

the view out this window
facing east, best seen close to sunrise
is of an empty lot
i am unused to being so close to the ground
and yet indoors
i have lived on 3rd floors and above
for 8 years now
i am more used to climbing stairs
than watching sidwalks or latching shut windows

i will be here all tomorrow as well
extending my stay until this is done
a voluntary shut in

and while i say it is for my studies
it isnt at all
i am counting down days again
before departures and disspointments
before i go through this all over again
before another fresh start that i didnt ask for
i am tired